Long Good-byes and Last Good-byes

We’re fortunate when we get a chance to make our last goodbyes. My father and some of his brothers (there were 6 boys in all) flew out to Washington state a few years ago to say good-bye to Uncle Tom, the second-born and the first to go. Uncle Joe, the first born went a couple of years later with no warning.

With Uncle George, a year and a half younger than my dad, we all know it’s coming. Don’t get me wrong, I do believe in miracles, but I’ve been this good-bye route with lots of praying before, and the reality is, the good-byes did come at those times. I’m not complaining. It’s just got me to thinking how sad it must be for my father to be flying down to Florida today to give his brother what most likely will be a last farewell. Sad as it is, it is also something that when we do get the opportunity to do it, is a blessing.

Speaking of goodbyes, I’m not quite sure I’m ready to say good-bye yet to this blog, but for several months now I just haven’t had it in me to write here. The thoughts have been there, but they just ain’t makin’ it down to my fingers and onto a page. But, like I said, I do believe in miracles 😉

The Rest of the Story

Playing with digital photos, it’s occurred to me how much fun it is to find a focus and crop out the rest of the picture — or, as with our lives, the rest of the story. Although I have to admit, good and bad, I want all of the story much as parts of it may pain me. It keeps me whole. Of course, I can blithely write this on a day when all is right with my world.

I have a bunch of old and new friends coming over for our inaugural group adventure — creating a women’s circle, something I’ve envisioned for at least two years, perhaps longer. And now it’s finally here, after many fits and starts. Can’t wait — it is so difficult to come by community in the real world these days, let alone a virtual one. So today, I leave you with the rest of the Abbey picture. There will be other days for contemplation again but today is not one of them for me.

Contemplation

Bird on the peak of the abbey ruins in Timoleaugue — two of my favorite bits of nature — rock and feathers…earth and sky…grounded and infinite…earthbound and celestial…mmmm….yeah…

Rabbit Redux

Ground Hog Day. Imbolc. Candlemas. An appropriate day to peek out from my slumber here. Not sure if I’ll resurrect this blog or not — I’ve been writing  at our other blog, but I do miss having a place that’s just for me. Toying with the idea of creating a new one. But for now, this is it.

Strained my shoulder at work a couple of weeks ago, and after the initial grumpiness have settled in to enjoying my time creatively — lots of dabbling — in the kitchen, my studio, outdoors, in books. Kinda trying to get a rhythm going, something akin to the seasons and the natural world. I have an old book I picked up who knows where by Jean Hersey called The Shape of a Year, and I am following along with that each month. Also, checked out Edith Holden’s The Country Diary of an Edwardian Lady, 1906: a facsimile reproduction of a naturalist’s diary to peruse.

I tend to love out-of-print books — was reading Rumer Godden’s memoirs and such a couple of winters ago. Trying to limit my computer use again because it does end up sucking up time and then I berate myself for not being more productive (e.g., creative).

So, this time of year I’m allowing myself to go within, contemplate, consider, shed some stuff and reclaim some of my dormant goddess energy. Books and the kitchen really seem to be my thing lately. And spirituality, in particular my native or Celtic spirituality which parallels so many others — in symbols, herbs, animism, drumming and so on. Kind of cool when I make all the connections. Connecting. that’s what it’s all about for me.

** tree from one of my Glandore wanders — a sacred symbol in Celtic traditions

as i read up on imbolc in my druid’s herbal before moving on to barbara walker’s encyclopedia of women’s myths and secrets…i am enjoying revisiting the goddess and my celtic spirituality recently — i’ve been ignoring it for quite a few years…trying to pay attention to the rhythm of the seasons and the natural world…i love how my native celtic religion shares so much of the native religions of others…if religion is the word…got the candles lit and hoping to put together a bouquet of tansy, iris, violets, bay laurel, heather and basil (if i can find any — otherwise just some heather and basil will have to do)…if i were in ireland i would be picking rushes to make a st brigid’s cross — figuring out what i can use here…

Ceremony

Pixie’s letting go of her beloved dog last year was how I wanted to let go of  Joe. But it was not to be. In time I envision a ceremony that will bring my family peace. The one word everyone who knew him uses to describe him is “character.” That he was.

My Love of Almost 17 Years

When my ex- moved out, I got this little guy a month later. Almost 17 years together, longer than my marriage. He died Thursday night and I am ripped apart. My heart is broken. The thing about a dog is the unconditional love — they’re always happy to see you more than any other friend you’ve got. I will mourn this little guy for a long time.

The 21 Club

Friday afternoon, June 30, 1989 — took my sweet boy for a haircut today. He looks adorable. Bloody blazing hot Vermont summer day. Sat out at the picnic table on the patio with him and talked about the baby. “Please God, I want a baby sister” (talk about pressure! His dad wanted a son when he was born, didn’t think I’d feel that gender pressure again. I was so thrilled with my little boy that I couldn’t picture myself with a little girl, and would have been just as happy with another boy).
“Why don’t you name her Mary Anthony, Mommy? Don’t you think that’s a pretty name?”
(Well, yes, I just haven’t decided on a name yet so we’ll see).

About 0100 Saturday, July 1, 1989 — I wake up, feeling some twinges. Hmmm, maybe it’s labor starting even though I’m not due until Bastille Day. Oh well, no sense losing sleep over it so go back to sleep.

1000 Saturday, July 1, 1989 — up and at ’em…still feeling those twinges, but I’m not going to get worked up for nothing, so we all go strawberry picking with Aunt Jacqueline and Evelyn Gramma. I have to work in SICU (Surgical Intensive Care) at 1500. I mention casually to everyone that if I am in labor it’s a good place to be.

1730 July 1, SICU — quiet eve and on supper break figure I’ll go up to L & D (labor and delivery) to see if much is going on. I luck out and Linda, my nurse midwife is on duty this eve. She checks me out (about 4 cm dilated) and she says I’ll probably have a baby in the next day. Okay.

1930 July 1, SICU/L & D — Finished ordering patient labs for the next day, so all my work is pretty much done. Quiet evening on the unit so we’ll probably sit around sharing our crazy birth stories and so on. I go to the bathroom and as I’m leaving the bathroom, there is a gush of pink water, flooding down my leg and soaking my ankle socks. I exit the bathroom, saying to Lorraine, our nurse’s aide, and Rita, the housekeeper, “I’m really shaky, I think my water broke,” at which point, Lorraine’s swooped a wheelchair under my butt and Rita mops up the floor behind us as Lorraine wheels me right up to L & D. I luck out again (and will yet again when I get the last room on maternity later) and get the last birthing room (most like home), the nurse manager for my nurse (who immediately offers me a unit secretary job there if I’m ever interested), and Linda returns, with love and support. She checks my progress to discover 9 cm now! We’ve called Jason and Jacqueline, and all of a sudden I’m remembering “Oh Yeah! THIS is how much childbirth hurts!” (Yet this time I’m able to breathe through the pain more easily. I’m more centered and know what to expect).

It’s lucky Jacqueline happened up for a visit because she’s also Anthony’s support person (siblings are allowed into the birthing center to share in the family birth experience, they just need to have their own support person). Jac. and Anthony show up soon after we call. Linda supports me until my support person (Jason) finally shows up, smelling of alcohol and looking a bit frazzled and sweaty. I look over my shoulder at Jac. and A. at one point — my 5 year old boy is cool as a cuke, while my 26 year old sister looks like all the color has gone out of her (I feel the humor even if I don’t feel like laughing at the minute).

2048 July 1, L & D — It’s a little gal! her dad announces. Big bro gets the little sis he prayed for, but the name I’d picked out — Rose Elizabeth, now all of a sudden I’m not so sure. She’s so tiny at 6 pounds 9 ounces, tinier than her brother was, but just as beautiful and dark, though wouldn’t you figure? Her bro was born with a mop of dark hair he never lost (old ladies used to tell me I should cut it! to which I’d reply, “I love his hair, chances are when I have a girl, she won’t have much,” and sure enough! She had my father’s receding hairline).

Jason makes phone calls to family, Anthony chats with everyone too. He’s been very calm and cool throughout the whole birth experience, saying there was a little blood but not much.

1300 July 2, Home — The neighbors greet us — 80something Mrs. Ross, Dick, our landlord; Missy and Todd, his kids; Mrs. Shepherd, his mother-in-law; Leitha and the rest of the Breens next door, Gramma Evelyn, Aunt Kathleen, Sophie, Jacqueline and Jason’s friend Nat Witham, with the video camera (we didn’t ever have one, so it was photos for us). Anthony wanting a name very much, me still undecided. Alanna, Tina, Kira, Kara, Moon Unit, it’s overwhelming naming a child so soon! My friend Lisa, didn’t name her son for about a year, in the American Indian tradition of her family.

Late July, Big Apple Circus Week — I’m in tears! I’d bought an inexpensive 35mm camera (cooler than my Kodak Instamatic I thought) and we used that to shoot the birth photos. The take-up reel on the film didn’t engage, so the only photos that came out from the birth were the few that my sweet boy took with his little 110. I was inconsolable as I remembered how sweet he looked wearing Mickey Mouse scrubs, sitting in the rocking chair with my sister while his sister was being born.

1913, July 1, 2010 — My girl’s name is Molly Rose and she’s “legal” now. Her brother is still as protective as ever, wishing her Happy Birthday and telling her not to get alcohol poisoning. How deep and wide can a mother’s love for her children get? It’s beyond measure, beyond words, beyond this world. And I hope their love for each other grows as deep and wide, too.

Jammin’

What I been doin’ lately — for real — in a jam kitchen that’s been around since the early 1900’s — a magical place on the edge of a wildlife and nature preserve — yeah! I be jammin’ — how good can life get? Oh yeah, try working in a flower shop up the road, too — with a great couple — yeah, that’s how good life can get…jammin’ — oh yeah, I hope ya like jammin’ too…