Category: ART

Reality blogging — I like that (as long as it doesn’t become a television show). So let’s see, the hair on my legs is getting so long that it was blowing in the breeze this morning (I was wearing cropped pants for my morning walk). I made macaroni and cheese, tofu curry, veggie-bean soup and brownies already today…because I had all the ingredients for them and they’ll last for many meals, thereby stretching the food budget (saving money while eating yummy food, some of it from local farmer’s markets, perks me up).

Went to Swirly’s site today and found a link to a David Foster Wallace speech that made me feel a little better about regrets I still need to let go of.

(I’d been crying this morning, the first time in a long time, for not having a home for my 19 year old son when I moved in with Marty, for not having my own home for a long time period). Oh yes, pity party here. January’s not the darkest month for me really — it’s usually around mid-February through late March/early April that I go into my funk. Jen’s black and white photo of a NYC park soothed my soul a bit.

De-cluttering the other day, I discovered some apple-picking photos from when Anthony was about 15 or 16 and Molly about 5 years younger (you do the Math, my brain’s in language mode at the moment). Seeing how close they were, what an awesome big brother Anthony was, and what a little trickster Molly could be always brings a smile to my face. Hmmm, so maybe this reality blogging is okay. In the darkest days of winter for me, I’ve managed to find some bright spots. The perkier days of April should be just around the corner.

Isn’t that the name of a book? I think so, one I read back in my college years. It’s true you know. You can’t go home again. It stays the same and yet it’s never the same.

We sometimes search for an entire lifetime, and perhaps never find our true love. Not necessarily a person either. In my case I was lucky, I found my love in not just one lifetime, but in two. When I met her in this lifetime, we already knew each other so well, we just picked up where we’d left off previously, and many times we didn’t need words to communicate. We could read each others’ thoughts when we were together (and sometimes when we were apart).

She died when we were in our late twenties, and that was the first time I knew the raw physical ache of emotional, psychic loss — and I howled, keened, beat myself as the deeply grief-stricken do. I pulled through to the other side, as she was pulling through to the other side. We still communicate wordlessly to this day as we once did a long time ago.

“The dream was always running ahead of one. To catch up, to live for a moment in union with it, that was the miracle.”
~Anais Nin

Yes, I feel free — of BEAR. It was smothering me. The process was great, but the lack of reception wasn’t. I feel a surge of hope though. That the path led me further along the way to my dreams, my self, who I am, my destiny. Destiny and destination — one and the same or two different beings entirely? What do you think and which one becomes who you are?

This is what I ask myself. My gut tells me I become my destiny. That they are not one and the same, but are they two facets of the same coin? Again I don’t know. I’ve always been a know-it-all for various reasons (one being I am a voracious reader), yet I truly love asking questions and hearing others’ answers. It gives me more insight, and it’s how I get to know you. Can our destination change our destiny? When we change our destination, does the destination change our destiny?

Life’s decisions. I have made heartbreaking, gut-wrenching, soul-searing decisions in the past (some that can never be undone, some that are not undone easily). This was not one of them and for that reason I am grateful.

It’s always somethin’
~Roseanne Rosannadanna

PIMA. Pain in my arse. Figured I’d do my taxes today online like I did last year. Should be simple since my income barely registers on the poverty scale, right? The job I was “let go” from in the fall paid me with a 1099 instead of a W-2 which complicates things slightly. Add to that a couple of small retirement funds I cashed in for living expenses, and blah — yuk!

Finally gave up and have decided to go to the IRS for help doing my taxes this year. After spending most of the morning struggling with two different e-file programs and accomplishing zilch I am a bit grouchy to say the least. Especially when I look up and it’s already 1 bloody o’clock! So much for Mondays and accomplishing anything. I could just sign off now but while I’m on a roll grouching why not continue? (Because I’ll regret it — so I won’t — I’ll get over it).

But it’s now February 1st and the 20th is the deadline for BEAR registrations. Funny thing is, while I love the whole retreat path and would so love for BEAR take off, there’s a part of me that’s okay if it doesn’t. One thing I’ve learned through feedback that I wasn’t sure would be a problem or not (it appears to be) is the shared beds. And that’s okay because I wondered about it myself. But Overbrook’s such a beautiful spot, and while I’ve seen other retreats with shared beds fill up, I also recognize that I am not a known persona yet, a proven “winner”, or whatever you might call it. And I’m okay with that too. Getting to this point where I can share it here is rather liberating. I’m not feeling so self-conscious anymore.

Some things I’ve learned for me:

1. establish a large enough platform for yourself first that can support your endeavor (a dedicated blog following, a book, a reputation so to speak, something that lets people feel like they’re getting to know you and lets you know they are resonating with you) before you start shooting your mouth off

2. try to determine whether you’re the star or supporting cast (I found this out partway into the process — while I loved doing the work of setting everything up, I’d just as soon let someone else have the glory or take the fall (I’ll be there to catch them, I’m strong like that).

3. If it’s an overnight venue, single beds are preferable.

4. Scheduled dates: make sure there’s not another well-established retreat already happening

5. This I’ve said before: putting together a wee retreat like mine was a hell of a lot of work and time — I’ve learned Squam is one of the biggest retreat bargains out there, so if you want the biggest bang for your buck and you’re into restoring your spirit, soothing your soul and mucking it up creatively, then I say: “Get thee to Squam!” Registration begins today.